All About Love

I really need to take a moment to tell you about my husband, M. The man drives me crazy. I could just sigh and roll my eyes at some of the things he does, but I'm not going to do that.

I'm sure there's a list I could compile of the daily grievances that I feel when we talk or what he hasn't done. I could do that. Sometimes husband-bashing is the kind of sadly-veiled invite I get to an "all girls night," which really turns into drunken talk of what deficiencies our husband's have. And having this be my 2nd marriage before the age of 30, I've come to realize that doing that isn't exactly the best thing to do to your partner. Who wants to take the time wondering whether or not your spouse aired out your short-comings or not? I know my husband doesn't do it -- and I've got PLENTY of those.

So today, I'm going to praise my husband. On the internet. To strangers! I want to tell you how this man drives me crazy (in the way that made me know I wanted to marry him in the first place.)

He is a mystery. A total and complete mystery. His face is a stoic, stone statue to the point where you could feel completely uncomfortable. Our first date was essentially a blind date because he needed a date for an event and a mutual friend suggested me. We met to make sure we could last at least one evening together in each other's company before that time. The dinner was soooo uncomfortable that I talked incessantly to cover up the awkwardness {which is not something I typically do or care about}. I kept talking to open him up. It got to the point where I put my utensils down and stated "You know how well this date is going?" and when he looked at me I tilted my head sideways, stuck my tongue out and held my hand to the side like I was holding a noose. It was the first time I made my husband laugh uncontrollably. He knows I had meant it and that I was being serious, but that's what got him to crack. I don't know. I can't ever really tell with him what he's thinking and what is going on up there in that locked-down brain of his but as frustrating as that can be, and the issues that it sometimes creates, it draws me to him. Years later I still want to tinker in there and figure out what makes him tick. I love knowing that he laughs with me in a way that he doesn't with others. He's an enigma.

M is a family-man to the core. He had 3 kids with a TERRIBLE woman at a young age because he was so enthusiastic about having a family, being a father, and trying to make his (now ex) wife happy. Despite the possibilities of my infertility he still is holding on to the hope that he will get to have kids with me. He'd be willing to have 3 more kids if he had to. We have 2 dogs and every day we would go on what we called a "family walk," just to spend time together, the four of us. He loves love. He loves to have it, he loves to give it, it makes him endlessly happy. His heart is so big and open to his loved ones and he will give, give, give whenever his family needs it. 

I've heard and read about unconditional love and I just figured that it was a word that the English language had to come up with to describe fictional characters behavior in books because it didn't exist in real life. Hell, I know my ex-husband didn't know that characteristic. For sure. But M, he does it and doesn't even know it. I can be down-right mean and hateful and he will pour love on me. It doesn't matter how bad things get, or how awful I become, he always refers back to how much he loves me, how great I am as a wife, that I'm perfect to him. And I hear this even when we aren't having a rift. He's a few hours ahead of me so every morning that I wake up I have a text that tells me good morning and that he hopes I have a wonderful day and that he misses my beautiful face. He loves me no matter what and it has never wavered.

He is strong. If I didn't have him as my rock I don't even know where I would be right now. I don't know how I would have gotten through the things I have in my life if I wasn't able to have him to help steady me.

He's the single, most incredible person I've ever met. And you know what? I'm not half-bad myself but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel completely lucky. There are whole days where I just know, deep in my heart, that he is so much better than me. And instead of feeling pressure from that, instead of feeling like I should just give up and that I'm not good enough, it makes me feel strong. Like I can aspire to be as a good of a person as he is. That he doesn't judge me because he still doesn't know how good he is to know that I can't measure up. His love, friendship, partnership, and mentoring is the best thing I could have been given in my life.

M is my ever-shining star.

Back Track

     So, obviously I'm hurting and I know that my last post reflects that. I'm struggling really hard at the moment and I haven't talked to M in weeks because he has been gone and was not allowed to have contact with anyone. Things are really painful at the moment so I'm going to back track and blurt it all out from the horrible beginning...

     I have had a lot of jobs in my life. I like working, if I didn't work I would be horribly bored. I've bounced around jobs to find things I like and I'm sure I will continue to do that for the rest of my life because I hate the idea of settling for things. With that said there is one job that I always know I did want: I wanted to be a Mom.

     I have been away from my husband for 1 year and 4 months, but the time we are hopefully placed together it will be 2 and a half years. Even once we are placed together there will be periods of time when we won't be together again. I'm 30 years old and I have waited through 2 marriages to have children. Needless to say, I'm ready.

     A little over a month ago I went to my doctor. For reasons that are private I have feared that I may not be able to have kids. It was a distant thought and I was really hoping there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. After talking with my doctor about my concerns he told me that there was nothing he could do for me. He said that with my age, and my medical history that conceiving would be very difficult. He said that because testing for fertility was a specialized field that is very expensive and intrusive that in order for me to get recommended to see what could be done for me, I would need to actively be trying and unsuccessful for 6 months before anyone will help me.

     I told him that my husband and I are not together so that trying that long would be impossible and his only real response was "Sorry."

     Feeling devastated I left the doctor's office. My husband couldn't even be here to comfort me. A week later I got to see him and spend Christmas with him....and his 3 kids. It was terrible. For once, my husband doesn't understand what I'm going through. Sure, he said he was upset but the feeling of not being able to have kids is not relevant to him. He already has 3.

     I tried talking with friends about this too and came up short-handed. My friends are either not wanting or not ready to have kids, or already have them and had no problem in getting pregnant. One friend, who was trying to be helpful, said "You can always adopt." I don't feel any relief in this. None. I wanted the experience of creating a life with the person that I love. We had talked about adopting after having our own, but you can't just replace that experience altogether.

     I feel so alone. My husband can't empathize because he doesn't have to go through the pain. He already has 3 who call him "Daddy." He got to see what it was like to create another life with the person that he loved at the time and got to meet the people that they would become. The characteristics of the two of them intertwined into a unique individual. What if I don't get to meet that person? At this point I fee like I have no one. No one to understand, no one to give me advice, no one to help me push through the pain. M is my best friend in the world, but it's clear that even he doesn't know how this feels.

     The fact that he doesn't have to know what this feeling is makes me bitter. So on top of the pain, I have bitterness and jealousy. I'm 3 for 3 now. I'm the trifecta of unhappiness: pain, bitterness and jealousy.

     M's ex-wife treated him terribly and she is ungrateful for getting to have the experience of having children with him. And now, it seems, I'm incapable of doing that. The one person I ever even entertained the idea of having kids with.

     I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. On New Years we went out for our anniversary. The whole dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse was great...up until the last 5 minutes. We were at a table with strangers and one woman about my age made a comment about not drinking and another woman asked why, to which the first woman responded that she was pregnant with their first child. Naturally every couple joined in. It seems they all have had children, even my husband. Everyone except me. I lost it. We went home and were supposed to go to a party. I couldn't. The rest of the evening was me in pajamas balling my eyes out in between sips of alcohol. I went to bed sobbing.

     I have these moments where I'm completely fine. Everything is fine. I can totally do this. I can definitely make it. And then BAM. My Facebook blows up with baby pictures. Someone new just announced that they are expecting. Some just popped out a baby. I show up to hang out with friends at a party and girls 7 years younger then me have large bellies and are giddy. I did everything right. I waited to find my real partner and not just settle for having kids with my last husband. I waited to have money and a steady job. I waited to be older and have life experiences. I thought I was so right. My pain is in finding out that I was so wrong and that as much as I tried to prepare, it didn't matter anyway.

Happy Wife, Happy Life

I have had a FANTASTIC weekend.

Last week was a bit rough for me, by that I mean emotional stuff mostly. Things were off and it affected how I dealt with others things during the week. I couldn't focus a lot, I kept drifting in daydreams...it really did a number on me.

So I flew my husband in. Last minute.

That's right :-) I did something spontaneous and while my wallet is a little tighter my heart and mind feel so much better. It's amazing how much stuff like that can affect you and become a positive influence. I have been ridiculously happy for a few days now, and even though he left this morning I have been productive today. No sulking. No whining. No laying around feeling heartbroken.

I feel so much better. M always knows just what do to when I'm in my funk (granted, I may not always like what he does to do it, but it always works) and his presence is always so calming.

For one, he got us a hotel with a garden tub. YES YES YES. We spent every evening in that tub watching episodes of Big Bang Theory on his computer propped up on the toilet. That's a win right there. He took me to some of the places that we like to eat and, like we always manage to do, he found us an aquarium to go to. We ate a little more ice cream than I'd like to admit but we were staying at a place with a (teeny tiny) gym so we did get our sweat-on.

I realized 2 things on this trip:
1. It may seem boring to do the same stuff or eat at the same places every time we see eachother, but I realized that I connect that with us picking up where we left off the last time we saw eachother. It's us pretending like nothing has changed. When people live together they get into a routine, something that's comfortable, and that's what we do even though we don't get to see one another. I find comfort in that. We do go to different places, but we do have to get our staple places in when he's here. It makes it seem like we still live together.

2. I hate the airport. It has now become a symbol of our time apart. It also is the place that brings us together, but I spend so little time in the airport waiting for him to come in than when I do when he leaves. When he leaves we stand there waiting closer to the time when he has to pass through the gates to get on his flight because those minutes are so precious that we don't want to end it earlier than we have to so the heartbreak feels like an eternity. And while we are standing there we never see anyone else in the same predicament as us. It's always families hand-in-hand going on a vacation or heading back to their place of origin as a big, happy unit. It just an ugly reminder of an unpleasant subject and I never like going there after we have had such an amazing time together.

But despite the horrible airport, so worth it :-)

On to some updates:

1. I didn't get a subpeona. Woot!
2. I moved into a new living arrangement 2 weeks ago and everything has been going smoothly. Needless to say, I keep to myself now. No getting involved with roomates. What. So. Ever.
3. This week is another short week at work!

Good things. All good things :-)

My Wife Duties=FAIL

I was an ass to my husband yesterday.

We haven't talked for a couple of weeks due to his job, but sure enough we managed to piss each other off the first chance we get to reconnect. Fail.

I need to be a better partner and learn not to bring up stuff at inopportune times. Sometimes I feel like I can't help myself, but I can. I can wait but I feel like I might explode so I don't and then I help diminish the great chances I get to be a good, supportive wife. It's so hard, though. I never know when I might have the chance to talk to him so it helps perpetuate my inner explosion because it's not like I may get the chance to talk to him to release these things the next day...or the next day....or the next....

I need to figure out how to do better wife-ing while being apart like this. I get so uptight and so severe that it puts a damper on the brief moments that we have together. M also has a bit of a temper. He gets particularly sassy when we haven't seen each other in awhile and when he's tired from work.

I'm feeling guilty that I can't be as strong as my husband needs me to be, or as calm and patient.

Boo :-(

A Hole in My Heart That is Years Long

The title and picture say it all. I have wanted to start a family for years now and it has never worked out for me.

It's a rough topic, really. I don't get misty-eyed often, but this is definitely a sore spot that makes my heart feel soft and weak.

It started a long time ago.....I was in another marriage, it was unstable and volatile and it wasn't until the end of the marriage when I started feeling like I was ready to have them. No matter how bad I wanted to have children, it was toxic and I just couldn't do it. Going through the divorce process was terrible and I felt crushed because although I knew I didn't want to have children with that particular man, the lost opportunity upset me.

Then I found "M" {yes, we are both "M's"}. He was amazing and sweet and very good at his job. And he had 3 kids with his ex-wife. Now, I don't want to sound cliche when I say I'm not the jealous type, but it's true. I have no reason to be. If you don't want to be with me, don't be with me. Period. But I felt jealous (and still do, actually). The person that I'm crazy about had 3 children with a woman who is completely ungrateful of the fact that she got to have those children with this amazing person. It makes me feel bitter.

I'm sure someone could intervene here and say "But you're a step-mom now, love on the children as if they were your own." And that's true. To a point.

With my job I don't get to see the kids, and neither does my husband, unfortunately. We can't just go and see them. Heck, we can't even get to see one another. There's also the point that the mother moved her and the children away to another state far away a long time ago, so they aren't even in weekend-visitation-range. I know them but I don't really know them. And neither does my husband, as heartbreaking as that is.

We talked about kids, M and I, and he really wants to have one with me but we never get to see each other. My Facebook is lit up with newborn and pregnancy pictures and I scheme about how I could make this all work, but it couldn't. I couldn't do what I do and have a baby alone. Heck, with my job I might get sent away without being allowed to bring the baby with me and have him/her sent to a relatives house.

And as I try to plan out a time when having a family might be good, the years pass by and all I can see is the number of my age going up. I have already been on birth control for 12 years, how many more years until my body decides that birth control has made my uterus into a steel fortress where "None shall pass"? Has it already?

I'm also sure that step-mom-dom has amazing qualities, but I'm also sure that mothers who have given birth to their own flesh and blood can attest to the fact that there is no other experience like it on earth. To watch the transition happen to you over 9 months, to experience birth, to have that very first moment of holding the person that you have made and getting to meet him/her for the first time.

I want that, too. But I get really scared.

I get scared that I can't have the same experience that most mothers have. That I won't get to be with my husband during all the excitement. That we won't get to nest together. That he won't be there for the birth. That I can't have kids after all these years on medication. That we won't have time to have kids because we are never together.

I never had an opportunity to have kids and he never had the opportunity to really know his kids. And now we don't have the opportunity to be even a family for just the two of us.

It all really weighs heavily on my heart. What he and I do is important, but sometimes it feels like we give up so much. Too much, infact. 

When I sit here and see the sheer happiness and love that people have by creating a family I go to work hoping that my husband and I will get to do the same. That like all the rest of you, we will get to have our own pride-and-joy. Because that pair of shoes, like the ones on the top of this page, will be filled with with our little bundle of happiness, just like everyone else's.