My Not-So-Subtle Infertility Epiphany

It's likely that I can't have kids.

BOOM.

My lengthy doctor visit went like this: apparently my body doesn't like to produce eggs. Having to go on birth control just to have a period doesn't make things good. My body, even on BC, stopped having periods 4 years ago. I'm 30 so I'm older as it is and I'm been on BC for 13 years. The combination of my age, my body, and the years I have been on birth control leads the doctor to believe that it might not work for me. In order to have anything conclusive done I will have needed to be off birth control and have actively tried to get pregnant for 6 months and fail miserably in order to get any, if at all, help. My body already didn't want to have kids apparently and I went and unknowingly made it worse.

So much for the romance with it all. Knowing what I know, trying and knowing I will fail for 6 months will kill me on the inside. The disappointment. The depression of it all.

I thought I was doing the right thing, you know? Waiting to be financially stable, waiting to be with the right person, waiting to have a career and something to be proud of. I was married to someone else when I was 24. I could have thrown caution to the wind and done it but I had self-control and knew it wouldn't be right for us. Six years later, I'm wondering "What the hell?" And it all feels really terrible.

Being 30 all of my friends and family members are having babies. My Facebook news feed is blowing up with it. My husband has 3 kids with a woman who didn't even like him in the first place but wanted to ride on his coat-tails to she didn't have to work or do anything.

I hate knowing that someone else got to have what I want to have with my husband. 

I am never going to get the chance to meet the child that comes from the both of us. I'm never going to get to hear his/her voice and hold his/her hand.

This is not fair.

A NON New Years Resolution

     I'm not a big New Year's Resolution fan. Statistically people who make a resolution on New Years are much more likely to not follow through with them than people who start them randomly because of an epiphany. I did make a resolution a few days ago though (not on New Years!) and the results are interesting, and varying.

     I use Pinterest weekly, I think I remember mentioning awhile ago that since I haven't been home in so long that Pinerest helps ground me. It makes me wishful for happy things in the future. One of my boards on that website is Hair/Makeup. I don't have a creative gene in me when it comes to either of those things. Mascara and my hair down or in a ponytail at most. In 30 years I've never owned a curling iron or curled my hair on my own with someone else's. I learned to put on eye shadow at a Mary Kay party late in my college career. I really, really wasn't interested. I'm low key style-wise and my Mom didn't let me wear makeup when I was young. Thinking back, I think that was a great idea. She also gave me a piece of advice that I've lived by. She told me that when girls wear make up all the time and they go out and get dressed up it doesn't seem as fancy because that's already how you are all the time anyway. But when you don't wear any, or very little, and you get dressed up and put some on it's more noticeable and festive. I agree with that point of view, but then all of that kind of bit me in the ass because I didn't end up knowing how to do it at all.

     New Years for 2012-2013 I had a super awesome outfit and M and I were going out clubbing and it was going to be great but I knew that my glitzy outfit needed some awesome makeup. So I pulled up my trusty Hair/Makeup board (none of which I had ever tried out previously) and tried to master this look:

     It. looked. AWESOME. We went out, had a great time and I was super happy with the results. I posted pictures on Facebook of our night out and within 5 minutes of doing so I get a text from my very fashionable best friend that read "Holy smoke-eye gone bad." Um, so apparently I didn't do the picture right. Sure enough I had put the blue too high up on my eyelid and the black too close to my eyebrow and I basically looked like a clown. And sure enough, I took the pictures OFF of Facebook. Sad face. 

     Not learning my lesson, a few months ago for a Halloween party I did the same thing but with a different look. Saw pictures afterwards. No good. For my final bad idea, prior to this epiphany to change something M and I had a vow renewal while his kids were with us for Christmas and I attempted a hair style I had never even practiced an hour before our ceremony. Whoops. Good thing though, that one turned out really well. So, thank God for that.

     All of this got me thinking: maybe in my spare time I should actually try these suggestions and see what works and what I'm doing wrong before I want to go out and accidentally make a fool out of myself. So that's what I've been doing. I have been going through my board pictures and each day after work before I shower, so I can rinse off whatever mess I create and pretend like it didn't happen, I try out a style to see what it looks like. Right now I have wet hair and I have them twisted like Miley Cyrus (as much as I hate to admit it) and letting them dry to see what kind of heat-less curl they can give me. I tried another smokey-eye look before my shower and I think it turned out well, but I don't have make-up remover and the shower spread it around so imagine the image of me with Miley Cyrus hair and raccoon eyes. Thank God my husband isn't here and I have no plans to socialize with anyone today. Here's to a New Year :-)

Ways of the World

That newspaper would make me the happiest person in the world. For my job I have to be aware of current events going on in the world--foreign, domestic, scientific, blahblahblah. It makes me a little jaded about life sometimes. I mean, how many times do you go through a news site or newspaper a day? I go through 3 different news sites every morning, and usually at least 1 at night to see what new discovery or travesty is happening.

A week or so ago I read one really awful story about 2 parents living down south in the US who were selling their 3 daughters to people for slave acts with adults (they are minors, btw, and at least 1 was still in elementary school) to help pay for their addiction to bath salts. That did it for me.

Since then, except for what I have to read for work, I only read about new medical advancements and scientific discoveries. Like the fact that the oldest living animal (507 years old born in 1499) was found in the ocean off of Iceland and was accidentally killed by scientists who were trying to determine its age. Don't shed a tear, it was a clam, but despite the fact that it died as a direct result of scientists making an OOPS I call that story a win compared with the story of bath salt junkies.

At one point I became so upset with the state of the world due to my news resources that when a friend of mine saw the little illustration above I became super excited. Finally, something not horribly devastating!

I see those meme's that have people doing great things that at the end say "faith in humanity restored" and I wish the news was more like that. Terrible news creates higher ratings I guess, although I don't know a single person who enjoys reading of watching the news. So how is it possible that they get such great attention in the first place? Is it old people watching that are watching the news? I know the elderly tend to like the newspaper still. Who knows.

I had a good week, I kept my intake of disturbing news feed to an all-time low, and it's the freakin' weekend! Go enjoy yourselves!

Sweet Nothing

This is so relate-able because this is the exact type of thing that I do. Say what you will, but it's hard for me not to expand situations in my mind a little bit more into the future to try to anticipate what will happen. M says that I stress too much, which is pretty accurate. I wasn't like this before {by that I mean my stressing out wasn't this BAD before} but now it has gotten a bit out of control. 

There's a lot on my plate right now and I'm feeling really uneasy about turning 30 next month. The fact that I'm turning 30 has consumed me and made me feel miserable. No other birthday has made me feel this way and the whole lack-of-baby thing has me feeling pretty upset for turning 30.

Things I Wanted Done Before My 30th Birthday:
-Pay off student loans- check
-Run a marathon- check
-Learn another language- check
-Start a retirement fund- check
-Start a family- unfulfilled

I have accomplished a lot! That one thing still weighs on me so much. Also, I found my first gray hairs this year, my wrinkles are becoming more prominent, I'd swear all my hair is falling out {the ones that aren't turning gray}, and work is incredibly overwhelming. Because of all of the above I found, on Pinterest of course, this:

Comparing, worrying, and blame are the ones that I have the most difficulty with. Competing is up there, though. I really need to get this under control because I have been in a funk and I have not been a fun person for M to talk to. Are there any other good ways to control the stress or the fixation that you get on things?

I Want To See The Signs

Sometimes, I feel like God is forgetting that I'm here. I know that's not possible but I feel like it.

I'm really stressed out and things in my life are going in a completely different direction than what I thought. What's worse is that I kind of had this coming. I wanted my life to be a little shaken up but I never imagined it would be this different. I wish I could have had the wisdom to know that the way I imagine things being is never actually how my life turns out. 

I usually daydream about my life and come up with these really great scenarios about trying out different things and achieving different goals and that things will work out. It always starts out so great in the beginning {and in previous posts I mention my love for planning} and I think "How could this not turn out well?" and then the very straight point A to point B scenario swerves into K, taking a turn to P which hiccups into points X, Y, and Z. Adventure is great and builds character and all...but I have plenty of both of those things and I feel more lost than anything.

And I feel bad for my husband too. M only ever wants me to be happy. He wants me to be fulfilled and successful and happy with my life. I feel really bad.

I pray about this. I'm always very clear with God when I ask for help. I say what's troubling me and I ask for guidance and it usually goes into a variation of this phrase: "You know me, God. You know I get confused easy and that when you tell me things I misinterpret them so I need you to give me very CLEAR signals as to what you want me to do." I'm not an expert in prayer or anything but I'm ether not getting any signs, or I'm missing them completely. I can't tell if God wants me to take the wheel and just keep spinning about like I am or if God wants me to let go completely and take the wheel for me for awhile.

I can't really tell what's going on.

I'm going to keep praying and all, I know God is hearing me, I am only afraid that things aren't going to work out. I have done a lot of things that I have wondered about and wish I had done differently but there are a lot of important things coming up soon that I really need God's attention on. All I can do is pray, right?

What REAL "Unfair"-ness Looks Like

I'm feeling emotional today so I can already tell you the tone this post will have: emotional, erratic, stressed...and other words that my brain is too foggy to try to think up.

I work hard and I've have been working hard for as long as I can remember. My first job was when I was 15. I worked at a farm/orchard in an area that had a large barn with a bakery inside. Pies and pastries and all kinds of things were made here and this was the section of the orchard that I worked in. I hated that job but I did it anyway.

It has been 15 years since I had my first job and I have had sooooo many different jobs and so many different experiences it's hard to remember them all. Some of these jobs I worked for a short period of time (my shortest being a month on 2 separate jobs...they were god-awful) and others I worked for several years. I have also had two separate times in my life when I worked 3 jobs, simultaneously. I'm not crazy, but one thing I can really thank my Dad for is work ethic (although he will stay at a job he hates until the day he dies, whereas I will at least quit and find other work that makes me happy, no matter how many jobs I need to take on until I find the right one).

The reason I mention all of this is because working hard seemed like the right thing to do growing up. I figured that everyone else felt this way too. I mean, what is there not to understand about this concept? I work hard and I feel a sense of self-respect in that. I make an income. It may not be much, but I worked for that and it gets me where I need to go and I don't have to rely on others. My hard work contributes to the betterment of society because I help the "business" that I am with, which has value to those that I serve by my contribution in that entity. I honestly view my place in the working world as an honored place where I work for the sake of humanity.

Here's what  I don't understand:

Why is it that the people who don't have these values seem to have the things that I want? Moreover, why is it that these people get coddled and told that their uselessness is OK because society will take care of them?

Before you get steamed up, I'm not talking about the physically or mentally handicapped. I'm not talking about the elderly. I'm not talking about females on maternity leave. I'm talking about the average American who makes up excuses for why they can't get a job, can't pay the bills, and spends the evening buying things off of QVC. This isn't even an isolated incident, I know HANDFULS of people that are involved in this same situation. What's worse? They have jobs that they can go to in order to make minimum wage but those jobs are somehow "beneath them" therefore they choose to have no employment at all to wait for "the right job". While waiting for these"perfect jobs" they collect unemployment and write Facebook posts about sitting at home all day playing videos games or watching Lifetime movies.

I have known people, personally, who lived in shacks, worked at a low-wage job in a turkey plant slaughtering birds, who had less education but more dignity than those of the above-mentioned paragraph. There are single parents out in the world working to the bone to provide for their children without even so much as child support check, who honestly feel ashamed at having to ask for government assistance and pull themselves up out of the poverty line tooth and nail and who succeed. But for every one of those people there are several more who just sit and wait to get money from someone else.

"I deserve this."

Let me tell you something. You were born into the world just like everyone else. You are not more special than anyone else here. I don't owe you anything. Infact, I think it's just the opposite. You owe ME and everyone else like me the gratitude associated with what people like me do. I only have 15 years of continuous work underneath me, which pales in comparison to a lot of other people. I have also had the opportunity to work in great places because I worked hard to get my education (for which I worked DAMN hard to pay off) and a large number of people don't even get to say that much. But just like me, they get up EVERY DAY to whatever caliber of job they have and do their job. And if they lose their job, they immediately get another one. And if doesn't pay enough? Well, imagine that, they go get another 1...or 2...or however many it takes to do what they need to do. Why? Because it's the right damn thing to do. These people, no matter what they do, are the best humanity has to offer. Are YOU on that list?

Happy Wife, Happy Life

I have had a FANTASTIC weekend.

Last week was a bit rough for me, by that I mean emotional stuff mostly. Things were off and it affected how I dealt with others things during the week. I couldn't focus a lot, I kept drifting in daydreams...it really did a number on me.

So I flew my husband in. Last minute.

That's right :-) I did something spontaneous and while my wallet is a little tighter my heart and mind feel so much better. It's amazing how much stuff like that can affect you and become a positive influence. I have been ridiculously happy for a few days now, and even though he left this morning I have been productive today. No sulking. No whining. No laying around feeling heartbroken.

I feel so much better. M always knows just what do to when I'm in my funk (granted, I may not always like what he does to do it, but it always works) and his presence is always so calming.

For one, he got us a hotel with a garden tub. YES YES YES. We spent every evening in that tub watching episodes of Big Bang Theory on his computer propped up on the toilet. That's a win right there. He took me to some of the places that we like to eat and, like we always manage to do, he found us an aquarium to go to. We ate a little more ice cream than I'd like to admit but we were staying at a place with a (teeny tiny) gym so we did get our sweat-on.

I realized 2 things on this trip:
1. It may seem boring to do the same stuff or eat at the same places every time we see eachother, but I realized that I connect that with us picking up where we left off the last time we saw eachother. It's us pretending like nothing has changed. When people live together they get into a routine, something that's comfortable, and that's what we do even though we don't get to see one another. I find comfort in that. We do go to different places, but we do have to get our staple places in when he's here. It makes it seem like we still live together.

2. I hate the airport. It has now become a symbol of our time apart. It also is the place that brings us together, but I spend so little time in the airport waiting for him to come in than when I do when he leaves. When he leaves we stand there waiting closer to the time when he has to pass through the gates to get on his flight because those minutes are so precious that we don't want to end it earlier than we have to so the heartbreak feels like an eternity. And while we are standing there we never see anyone else in the same predicament as us. It's always families hand-in-hand going on a vacation or heading back to their place of origin as a big, happy unit. It just an ugly reminder of an unpleasant subject and I never like going there after we have had such an amazing time together.

But despite the horrible airport, so worth it :-)

On to some updates:

1. I didn't get a subpeona. Woot!
2. I moved into a new living arrangement 2 weeks ago and everything has been going smoothly. Needless to say, I keep to myself now. No getting involved with roomates. What. So. Ever.
3. This week is another short week at work!

Good things. All good things :-)