All About Love

I really need to take a moment to tell you about my husband, M. The man drives me crazy. I could just sigh and roll my eyes at some of the things he does, but I'm not going to do that.

I'm sure there's a list I could compile of the daily grievances that I feel when we talk or what he hasn't done. I could do that. Sometimes husband-bashing is the kind of sadly-veiled invite I get to an "all girls night," which really turns into drunken talk of what deficiencies our husband's have. And having this be my 2nd marriage before the age of 30, I've come to realize that doing that isn't exactly the best thing to do to your partner. Who wants to take the time wondering whether or not your spouse aired out your short-comings or not? I know my husband doesn't do it -- and I've got PLENTY of those.

So today, I'm going to praise my husband. On the internet. To strangers! I want to tell you how this man drives me crazy (in the way that made me know I wanted to marry him in the first place.)

He is a mystery. A total and complete mystery. His face is a stoic, stone statue to the point where you could feel completely uncomfortable. Our first date was essentially a blind date because he needed a date for an event and a mutual friend suggested me. We met to make sure we could last at least one evening together in each other's company before that time. The dinner was soooo uncomfortable that I talked incessantly to cover up the awkwardness {which is not something I typically do or care about}. I kept talking to open him up. It got to the point where I put my utensils down and stated "You know how well this date is going?" and when he looked at me I tilted my head sideways, stuck my tongue out and held my hand to the side like I was holding a noose. It was the first time I made my husband laugh uncontrollably. He knows I had meant it and that I was being serious, but that's what got him to crack. I don't know. I can't ever really tell with him what he's thinking and what is going on up there in that locked-down brain of his but as frustrating as that can be, and the issues that it sometimes creates, it draws me to him. Years later I still want to tinker in there and figure out what makes him tick. I love knowing that he laughs with me in a way that he doesn't with others. He's an enigma.

M is a family-man to the core. He had 3 kids with a TERRIBLE woman at a young age because he was so enthusiastic about having a family, being a father, and trying to make his (now ex) wife happy. Despite the possibilities of my infertility he still is holding on to the hope that he will get to have kids with me. He'd be willing to have 3 more kids if he had to. We have 2 dogs and every day we would go on what we called a "family walk," just to spend time together, the four of us. He loves love. He loves to have it, he loves to give it, it makes him endlessly happy. His heart is so big and open to his loved ones and he will give, give, give whenever his family needs it. 

I've heard and read about unconditional love and I just figured that it was a word that the English language had to come up with to describe fictional characters behavior in books because it didn't exist in real life. Hell, I know my ex-husband didn't know that characteristic. For sure. But M, he does it and doesn't even know it. I can be down-right mean and hateful and he will pour love on me. It doesn't matter how bad things get, or how awful I become, he always refers back to how much he loves me, how great I am as a wife, that I'm perfect to him. And I hear this even when we aren't having a rift. He's a few hours ahead of me so every morning that I wake up I have a text that tells me good morning and that he hopes I have a wonderful day and that he misses my beautiful face. He loves me no matter what and it has never wavered.

He is strong. If I didn't have him as my rock I don't even know where I would be right now. I don't know how I would have gotten through the things I have in my life if I wasn't able to have him to help steady me.

He's the single, most incredible person I've ever met. And you know what? I'm not half-bad myself but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel completely lucky. There are whole days where I just know, deep in my heart, that he is so much better than me. And instead of feeling pressure from that, instead of feeling like I should just give up and that I'm not good enough, it makes me feel strong. Like I can aspire to be as a good of a person as he is. That he doesn't judge me because he still doesn't know how good he is to know that I can't measure up. His love, friendship, partnership, and mentoring is the best thing I could have been given in my life.

M is my ever-shining star.