Back Track

     So, obviously I'm hurting and I know that my last post reflects that. I'm struggling really hard at the moment and I haven't talked to M in weeks because he has been gone and was not allowed to have contact with anyone. Things are really painful at the moment so I'm going to back track and blurt it all out from the horrible beginning...

     I have had a lot of jobs in my life. I like working, if I didn't work I would be horribly bored. I've bounced around jobs to find things I like and I'm sure I will continue to do that for the rest of my life because I hate the idea of settling for things. With that said there is one job that I always know I did want: I wanted to be a Mom.

     I have been away from my husband for 1 year and 4 months, but the time we are hopefully placed together it will be 2 and a half years. Even once we are placed together there will be periods of time when we won't be together again. I'm 30 years old and I have waited through 2 marriages to have children. Needless to say, I'm ready.

     A little over a month ago I went to my doctor. For reasons that are private I have feared that I may not be able to have kids. It was a distant thought and I was really hoping there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. After talking with my doctor about my concerns he told me that there was nothing he could do for me. He said that with my age, and my medical history that conceiving would be very difficult. He said that because testing for fertility was a specialized field that is very expensive and intrusive that in order for me to get recommended to see what could be done for me, I would need to actively be trying and unsuccessful for 6 months before anyone will help me.

     I told him that my husband and I are not together so that trying that long would be impossible and his only real response was "Sorry."

     Feeling devastated I left the doctor's office. My husband couldn't even be here to comfort me. A week later I got to see him and spend Christmas with him....and his 3 kids. It was terrible. For once, my husband doesn't understand what I'm going through. Sure, he said he was upset but the feeling of not being able to have kids is not relevant to him. He already has 3.

     I tried talking with friends about this too and came up short-handed. My friends are either not wanting or not ready to have kids, or already have them and had no problem in getting pregnant. One friend, who was trying to be helpful, said "You can always adopt." I don't feel any relief in this. None. I wanted the experience of creating a life with the person that I love. We had talked about adopting after having our own, but you can't just replace that experience altogether.

     I feel so alone. My husband can't empathize because he doesn't have to go through the pain. He already has 3 who call him "Daddy." He got to see what it was like to create another life with the person that he loved at the time and got to meet the people that they would become. The characteristics of the two of them intertwined into a unique individual. What if I don't get to meet that person? At this point I fee like I have no one. No one to understand, no one to give me advice, no one to help me push through the pain. M is my best friend in the world, but it's clear that even he doesn't know how this feels.

     The fact that he doesn't have to know what this feeling is makes me bitter. So on top of the pain, I have bitterness and jealousy. I'm 3 for 3 now. I'm the trifecta of unhappiness: pain, bitterness and jealousy.

     M's ex-wife treated him terribly and she is ungrateful for getting to have the experience of having children with him. And now, it seems, I'm incapable of doing that. The one person I ever even entertained the idea of having kids with.

     I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. On New Years we went out for our anniversary. The whole dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse was great...up until the last 5 minutes. We were at a table with strangers and one woman about my age made a comment about not drinking and another woman asked why, to which the first woman responded that she was pregnant with their first child. Naturally every couple joined in. It seems they all have had children, even my husband. Everyone except me. I lost it. We went home and were supposed to go to a party. I couldn't. The rest of the evening was me in pajamas balling my eyes out in between sips of alcohol. I went to bed sobbing.

     I have these moments where I'm completely fine. Everything is fine. I can totally do this. I can definitely make it. And then BAM. My Facebook blows up with baby pictures. Someone new just announced that they are expecting. Some just popped out a baby. I show up to hang out with friends at a party and girls 7 years younger then me have large bellies and are giddy. I did everything right. I waited to find my real partner and not just settle for having kids with my last husband. I waited to have money and a steady job. I waited to be older and have life experiences. I thought I was so right. My pain is in finding out that I was so wrong and that as much as I tried to prepare, it didn't matter anyway.