This week has been out of control. I repeat, out of control. The cause is from several things going wrong all at once, one of which includes the nefarious activities of my husband's ex-wife E.So let me give you a very small glimpse into the heinousness that is this woman and illustrate that I'm not always such a big fan of my own gender (sorry ladies).
1. She is dating a man who physically abused my step kids and who is also a drug addict.
Yup. Let that one go ahead and sink in. M and I didn't find out about the abuse til 5-6 months after the event happened because his oldest son (they are all in elementary school) mentioned talking to the police at school and when my husband called he was referred to Child Protective Services. That was the first time we heard anything. E didn't tell us about the abuse because she wanted the boyfriend back living in the house because that's how needy she is. She also only recently told me about the drug abuse because she was trying to make an argument that judging others isn't right. The irony is that she openly judges M, his family, and myself in front of the kids and naturally spreads lies about us to other people. Fortunately, because she's crazy she has made it so that she has estranged a lot of people and now they are beginning to realize her instability.
2. She had kids to avoid working.
I'm not a feminist, but that disgusts me. My mom was a SAHM and she was a working mom when my brothers and I were little. My dad eventually asked her to stay at home, which she begrudgingly did, until we were in high school and she went back to work. E has spent her whole life avoiding having to work. M adopted my oldest step-son because E got accidentally knocked up in her first year of college by some guy and dropped out. She met M and since M is a sucker for kids and loves the idea of family they were married quickly after meeting and despite M's request for her to continue working since he couldn't afford 3 people on his salary she ignored it and quit her factory job. Oh, and then got pregnant shortly after to seal his fate. She was also in the National Guard and was called up to deploy and didn't want to go. Their 3rd child is alive only because she intentionally got pregnant to not serve the country she volunteered to serve for. She has a CNA and one other type of nursing associate's degree. That field is brimming with job opportunities, but has she ever gotten a job in any of them? Nope. Out of ALL of her classmates and friends who have the exact same certificates and who have all found jobs and have kids of their own she's the only one who says she can't seem to find a job. We've sent her newspaper clippings of job ads, texted her with signs we've seen for help wanted, and even signed her up for an email service that sends ads for jobs in those fields within a certain distance of her home. Has she ever even filled out an application. Nope.
3. She is always a damsel in distress.
She doesn't have the ability to take responsibility for anything and she can't function without a man in her life to fix it for her. Everything is always everyone else's fault. I have spoken with her on the phone before (and her own family member, which she doesn't realize) and when something wrong is happening in her life it's always "No one will help me", "I'm always so stressed out", "This is not fair, I've never done anything wrong". Inevitably though her family says they offer her assistance, they try to help her out and she just pushes them away to be with that scumbag guy. He was removed from the home bu CPS and instructed not to talk to her or the kids but she openly admits that because "no one was helping" her she "had to jump through hoops" to get him back in her and the kids' lives. She often claims that people are out to hurt her and "her babies" (which is dark because she's using it metaphorically when she is living with a man who has actually done just that to the kids).
I have to admit, I'm really confused why my grandmother and great-grandmother's generation fought so hard for gender equality only to have women come to this. I still believe in SAHM but I know very strong, confident, and independent SAHM's who understand that they still have to take responsibility for things and can be really innovative and involved in the community and social projects. That sort of mindset and situation in what women fought for in addition to going to work. They wanted to have freedom of choice to work or stay home and if they stayed home, have the ability to still be active in the community. Today, some women have taken advantage of this. E sits at home and watches tv all day and shops on QVC when she has no money.
4. She's as dishonest as they come.
She has never spoken about anything truthfully in the 4 years that I've been with my husband. Not once. Everything is a fabricated lie and if what someone else recalls about an incident makes her look bad and doesn't coincide with her story--you're a total, evil, shitbag in her book. She is truly that sick. She is all about a good image of herself, which is typically a red flag that the person is rotten and prefers to look squeaky-clean because of her obvious shortcomings. Nothing is her fault, everyone has done everything to her, she never has money, she's not living with the abusive guy anymore and how dare we assume she is...etc. The list of her lies is too long to recite. My nickname for her is Colon because she's so full of shit.
5. She psychologically, physically, and financially can't support the kids but won't give them up to their father because they are her meal ticket.
We don't live in a state even near the kids. She took the kids back to her home state and got the divorce so that the kids were in that state's jurisdiction to make it harder for M to get his kids back in the state he was living in. Since M is the only one working and because E has been the primary care-giver because of that, the kids were kept with her. Even now, because my husband works and despite us taking her to court for a number of different infractions to their divorce agreement and the instability in their lives with this guy in their life, they are with her.
Maybe husband pays a hefty child support amount. When E left the destructive boyfriend for a few short months and used my husband's child support money to get tattoo's, go out and drink often with her friends, take trips, buy several new animals, and go shopping on QVC and go to Thirty-One bag parties. The heat at the house was shut off (in addition to child support my husband had to pay half of the mortgage on the house she was living in but she never paid the half she needed to so he was paying the whole amount so the house wouldn't go into foreclosure because with his job they would have fired him), she didn't pay her part of the mortgage, debt collectors were calling M and I and his parents, her car almost got repo'd twice (which still had M's name on it even though the court told her to take his name off four years ago), and countless other things.
She coaches the kids on what to say around people and they are so upset and confused because his parents will ask them random things about their life just to talk to them and they will say "Our mom says we can't tell you that." They are confused about right and wrong and the oldest has said he doesn't want to be around the boyfriend and when M told E that she ignored him and said that he wasn't around. So, naturally, the kids have had to adjust to being around someone who is unsafe and dealing with it all at very young ages.
-------------------------------------------------
It's sick. The whole thing is sick. What I have found out from this whole experience is that women really do have all the rights and men have very little. We talk about equality and then we push the men down and steal their rights like it's a completely different situation. It's not. It's all gender inequality and the people who get hurt are the children. If you choose to intentionally have kids, or end up accidentally having them, you still choose to have them and the individual that you had them with is there whether you like it or not.
I'm putting this out there because I'm really confused at my gender. I've even Google'd stuff like this to see whether I'm alone or not and I have found an overwhelming amount of evidence to suggest that there are a number of women everywhere who are having this problem with their husband's ex-wife. Like many other cases, E had tried to break up my husband and I because of our long-distance relationship at the moment. She asks him if he ever misses them being a family and has even told me on the phone that she wishes she had stayed with him for his money.
This has to stop. I would really encourage anyone reading this to advocate for women to be better than this terrible example and if they know anyone who act similarly to this, to get them to stop. Don't encourage this. E's family did for years and now that they know about the drugs and abuse it was an unfortunate eye-opener to them. And because they had encouraged her craziness for years their sudden dislike of her choices made it so that she pushed them away and the kids aren't even allowed to see the extended family members living only a few short blocks away from them. Those kids are completely isolated now. In my opinion, awareness to this needs to be raised and people need to start advocating for better behavior, even from mother's.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
I'm Slow
I've always been a bit slower-paced then everybody else. Even as a kid I knew it. Not academically, but just in my attitude towards life.
My family bought our house back in the late 80's and the bathroom is this super gaudy, tacky pink, white, powder blue tiling with a blue toilet and tub to match. The tub/shower had sliding doors that were mirrors. It was super creepy to go in there when the electricity was out. When I was young I would go in there and sit in front of this big doors and wonder what my purpose was being here, why I was me and not someone else, and I'd even wonder if anyone else around me was real (don't be creeped out, you probably did something similar too so don't lie).
I didn't really have any goals, except being a kid, but it got a little worse once I hit high school because I was just drifting on life. I had no concept of anything past high school other than YOU GO TO COLLEGE. My SAT scores weren't very good (not a good tester) and I only applied to one school. The school I did apply to, the only one, I put in for a major I wasn't even that good at. It was a subject in school that was the only one that really sparked my interest and I didn't take very many semester hours in it til my senior year. Lucky me, I was accepted and I went to school for my new-found interest.
I still wasn't any good. My professors could see it but they couldn't do anything about it yet. At that point in time students in the art major couldn't get kicked out for awhile. They had to really show they were bad over an extended period of time. I was fortunate enough to miss the year where they started having the freshman do portfolio reviews to start kicking them out. Whoa, did I ever get a lucky break. Eventually, especially in drawing and painting, I became good. I became better than good at painting. But while everyone else seemed to have started off that way freshman year and then became all-stars by senior year I was still a tadpole who was growing.
I graduated. Now what? I've been working since I was 15 so, ok, I go work now. But I didn't have the drive to have a career like everyone else did. I was doing odd jobs and teaching and floating around again. Aimless. As Forrest Gump would say "All accidental-like on a breeze". I felt like everyone else had some confusion in their life but they had a far off point that they were hoping to get to so other things around them started building up as a foundation to get there. I had no foundation. Hell, I had no point.
When I look back I've had more jobs than I can count, I've moved around, I have a huge list of crazy things I've done, place I've been, characters that I've met....The younger people that I'm around at work say to me "You have a story for everything, and they're always so crazy!" It's true. I do. But sometimes it makes me feel a little off. Don't get me wrong, I have great memories, but I asked my husband on the phone tonight "What do you feel your purpose is here? Why are you here?" and he said "To live a full life."
What does that mean?
He said it was to be with me and for us to be happy and for him to like his work. That's his point. He knows it's his point and he does what he can to get there. His foundation is set. He might change varying aspects of it as he gets older where one job that meant something to him no longer does that so he switches jobs, but his goal is the same. To like his work.
I find that unlike other people I have a hard time committing to things which doesn't allow me to pick a point. If I pick a point then how do I know it's the best one? Sometimes other people's lives look so easy, and not that I mean that they are lazy, but that it's great but effortless. I'm not naive enough to think that's actually the case but more often then not mine feels like more of a jumble than anything else.
I'm 30 and I'm just as confused as I was when I was 7 sitting in front of that bathroom mirrors. Forrest Gump was special needs and he was successful because he didn't over-think things. I can't say that's a strong-suit of mine. Maybe that's why I tend to lag behind while everyone else seems so put-together.
How do you feel?
My family bought our house back in the late 80's and the bathroom is this super gaudy, tacky pink, white, powder blue tiling with a blue toilet and tub to match. The tub/shower had sliding doors that were mirrors. It was super creepy to go in there when the electricity was out. When I was young I would go in there and sit in front of this big doors and wonder what my purpose was being here, why I was me and not someone else, and I'd even wonder if anyone else around me was real (don't be creeped out, you probably did something similar too so don't lie).
I didn't really have any goals, except being a kid, but it got a little worse once I hit high school because I was just drifting on life. I had no concept of anything past high school other than YOU GO TO COLLEGE. My SAT scores weren't very good (not a good tester) and I only applied to one school. The school I did apply to, the only one, I put in for a major I wasn't even that good at. It was a subject in school that was the only one that really sparked my interest and I didn't take very many semester hours in it til my senior year. Lucky me, I was accepted and I went to school for my new-found interest.
I still wasn't any good. My professors could see it but they couldn't do anything about it yet. At that point in time students in the art major couldn't get kicked out for awhile. They had to really show they were bad over an extended period of time. I was fortunate enough to miss the year where they started having the freshman do portfolio reviews to start kicking them out. Whoa, did I ever get a lucky break. Eventually, especially in drawing and painting, I became good. I became better than good at painting. But while everyone else seemed to have started off that way freshman year and then became all-stars by senior year I was still a tadpole who was growing.
I graduated. Now what? I've been working since I was 15 so, ok, I go work now. But I didn't have the drive to have a career like everyone else did. I was doing odd jobs and teaching and floating around again. Aimless. As Forrest Gump would say "All accidental-like on a breeze". I felt like everyone else had some confusion in their life but they had a far off point that they were hoping to get to so other things around them started building up as a foundation to get there. I had no foundation. Hell, I had no point.
When I look back I've had more jobs than I can count, I've moved around, I have a huge list of crazy things I've done, place I've been, characters that I've met....The younger people that I'm around at work say to me "You have a story for everything, and they're always so crazy!" It's true. I do. But sometimes it makes me feel a little off. Don't get me wrong, I have great memories, but I asked my husband on the phone tonight "What do you feel your purpose is here? Why are you here?" and he said "To live a full life."
What does that mean?
He said it was to be with me and for us to be happy and for him to like his work. That's his point. He knows it's his point and he does what he can to get there. His foundation is set. He might change varying aspects of it as he gets older where one job that meant something to him no longer does that so he switches jobs, but his goal is the same. To like his work.
I find that unlike other people I have a hard time committing to things which doesn't allow me to pick a point. If I pick a point then how do I know it's the best one? Sometimes other people's lives look so easy, and not that I mean that they are lazy, but that it's great but effortless. I'm not naive enough to think that's actually the case but more often then not mine feels like more of a jumble than anything else.
I'm 30 and I'm just as confused as I was when I was 7 sitting in front of that bathroom mirrors. Forrest Gump was special needs and he was successful because he didn't over-think things. I can't say that's a strong-suit of mine. Maybe that's why I tend to lag behind while everyone else seems so put-together.
How do you feel?
Monday, May 26, 2014
5 Reasons Why I am Happy (Pharell Williams Style)
On this heavy-hearted Memorial Day Weekend I'm going to give a few reasons why I'm both grateful and thankful to be alive. These reasons are going to pull me through some tough times (this weekend has just been one of the worst-of-the-worst) but despite those huuuuuuuuge bummers I'm going to give you a list of why I'm still so happy to be me and to have the honor of living in the world I live in.
1. I have a really solid support system
I can't stress enough that my loved ones have such an unshakable and reliable base of support for me and anything I try to do. I've done so much and failed at some many things but it's never held against me. One of my best friends who has known me since our early college days calls me her "free-spirit" because I'll know when something is wrong and leave all the comforts that can come with it just to try something new. Every time I move and and trip and fall they are there to pick me up. They never know that if they weren't there to do it over, and over, and over again that I would give up and give in. This unconditional encouragement makes me over-the-moon happy.
2. Things could always be so much worse
We all {myself included} have our boo-hoo moments where our lives are different than we thought, nothing's working out, someone else's life looks more phenomenal by comparison...yadayada...but have you looked at the news lately? Infact, it's Memorial Day. Have you watched any documentaries or films of the horrors that have been our world's history, including the ones happening right now all over the world?
I was invited to a BBQ the other day at 8pm and I showed up starving because, hello, at a BBQ unless you're asked to bring snacks or side dishes it's common BBQ etiquette to feed your invited guests. Anything other than that is has a specific name; it's called a Pot-Luck and you are generally made aware of this beforehand. Famished, I show up with friends who drove me, no cash or debit card, and find out--NOPE--you were supposed to bring your own food, he was just providing the very small hole in the front of his yard to stuff a few tree branches in to start a fire. We were baffled and everyone had to scrounge around and run to the store to even get a few, sad, little hotdogs. When I'm hungry my general manner is likened to the Hulk, but I sat there and remembered that I wasn't going to get very much, but I was still going to be lucky enough to eat. And that I could sit in someone's front yard and not get questioned as to my religion or threatened because of my gender or shot at because of my nationality.
That, ladies and gentlemen, makes me happy.
3. I am intelligent
Whoa. Don't get mad and think "You arrogant ass, you're supposed to be humble." No. No one should hide behind their intelligence like all those kids who are incredibly smart but want to impress the bullies at school and lose their future's for a few knuckleheads. I'm not a genius. I'm not making any kind of headway into answering questions of the galaxy, discovering new species, being the first person to do anything or set records. I'm just trying to do me, and whatever it is that is given to me I'm not always go at right off the bat. But I'll be damned if I'm not one of the best by the end of the time period that's given to me to master it. You can chalk that up to determination but you have to be intelligent enough to know that it takes determination to go after what you want and how to be resourceful enough to do it. I'm happy that I can sludge through all the shit that comes my way and know I'm smart enough to not only cope, but conquer.
4. I like to like things
Meet someone. Ask them all the things they dislike. I'm sure they could talk for about 45 minutes of all the things that are pet peeves. Turn around and ask what they like and I bet it'll be a small list of about 10 things. It will even take them a minute or two to compile a list that small before they can fully answer it. People are prepped to know what they don't like. They know they don't like it within a millisecond of noticing it. It's like kids with food. They've never seen or smelled it before but they, in their little hearts, just know that they don't like it.
I remember the first time someone pulled that trick on me, I felt dumb and sad at the same time. Kind of like how I'm upset that children learn the word "No," much sooner than they learn the word "Yes". So, I sat down and thought of all the things that made me happy. It feels so "Sound of Music" and all but how many psychologists and accredited medical journals can you find that agree that having a positive outlook and LIKING things makes all the difference in the world? I'm happy because even when I'm truly not and I felt like TOTAL SHIT, I have an easier time finding something that will make me happy because I have that internal list. "Damn, I just bombed at doing my job? Shit. Oh, wait, the sun on my face feels really good right now..."
5. I don't care about how you feel towards me
Boom. YOU can't affect me. I hope I affect you in positive ways, but if you want to be a crab apple I'm going to give you 5 minutes to work it out with me and then after that if you are unreasonable--That. Is. On. You.
Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Ellie had her shit straight.
Your unhappiness is a reflection of you and not of me. I'm happy to work with you, but if I'm a fish headed downstream where life is simple and great and you're determined to go upstream I'll ask you if you want turn around with me but after that I'm just going to pray that you don't get caught by a bear.
If I spent my whole life trying to please people I wouldn't have a life. I'd have an emotional imprisonment based on others and since happiness is so fleeting with some many people, it's useless to try to keep up.
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All-in-all do what's best for you. The clear, simple path can get muddied up in the confusion of life. It's always there, people just don't want to calm down enough to listen and find it. Stay positive y'all.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Why I Quit Facebook
I've been feeling a bit BLAH lately--just about any old thing. Where I am right now, what I'm doing, have I accomplished my goals? These things have been buzzing around my head for quite awhile and, to be honest, Facebook browsing never helped.
Theodore Roosevelt once said "Comparison is the thief of joy." Boy, did you ever get that one right Teddy.
I mean, at this point in my life what is Facebook anyway? I'm 30 and tipping into the +30 range (I feel a physical quiver just typing that) and all anyone's posts are just wedding pictures, baby pictures, funny meme's, or bitch sessions about something that I'm not around to experience. When I joined in 2005 I was just out of college and it still felt relevant, like, "Hey do you want to meet up tomorrow night?" or, "Here's a picture of the family reunion in case you missed it!". It was the transition from instant messaging (God, how old am I?) to a broader base of people that you may have moved a few hours away from. You know, back when text messaging still cost you money per character.
Over the years I've moved to different states and now I'm entire plane rides away from people that I used to hang out and socialize with. I had been toying with getting rid of the addictive FB but I didn't want to risk saying goodbye to people I might not otherwise talk to.
I'm 100% that everyone else feels the same way because, like everyone else, you've probably kept your Facebook for the same reason. "But I want to see so-and-so's new baby!" and "That skank in college who my boyfriend cheated on me with got super fat!" Admit it, not outwardly of course, but admit it to yourself. That's the exact reason "Facebook stalker" has become a household name. I'm guilty as charged.
Did you wrong me back in 2000 and now you have 3 kids and live in a trailer? I found you on Facebook and smiled. Did you just meet your boyfriend yesterday, get married, and found out you were pregnant 15 minutes ago when I've been dealing with infertility? I found you and I will stare daggers at you now.
I've been a FB member since 2005 and I've never had one of those crazy, tell-all break downs that I so often hear about. The ones where you throw all your dirty laundry on the internet so that everyone knows but get pissed when someone judges you? Or passively-aggressively mention something that happened to you that only one person on your friends list knows because they are the one that did it to you and then the teeth and nails come out? Nope. Never happened.
Until 2 days ago.
Ok, in my defense, I'm medicated right now. I know. It's sad. But it's legit and I'm sticking to it. I called someone out-of-the-blue who I have never even spoken to over the phone EVER and the reaction was "Are you calling me to tell me your pregnant?!?!"
Ok. What-the-fuck-sauce.
The post that I later wrote wasn't aimed towards her, and I'm sure she knows that, but it was more of........errrrmmmm.....a notification that kids aren't happening so don't ask me so "I can avoid feeling like I've been hit in the chest by a train."
A wave of comments came. And I hardly ever get comments since most of my posts are meme-based. So I kiiiiiiiiiinda felt mortified. Also, I had been going through my browser history to find a specific website I had gone to that I needed to reuse again. TWO WEEKS worth of searching and all I saw were blue logos everywhere saying that I had been on Facebook this many times and I had searched 100 times the profiles of these people.
I sat at my computer, drugged up of course, confused and upset. So THIS is how I spend my time??? My precious, valuable time?! I could have been approved as an astronaut in flight hours with as many hours as I had spent on Facebook!
So I Google'd where to locate the deactivate button (since I never assumed that I would require that knowledge). And click it was gone.
In the few days since I left I haven't felt all that bad, really. I'm curious sometimes. Like someone who has a mild addiction to something stupid like a video game and you miss the memory of it. But overall, I've felt happier. I don't have baby pictures shoved in my face. I don't have bad tendencies to dig up old grudges and relish in their dismay or feel like crap if I find that they are more well-off than I am.
I'm ok with being a little more old-fashioned. If they've kept my number and really care about how I'm doing, they can feel free to give me a call. Send me picture messages. Meet up with me and let's go to the movies. Otherwise, I wasn't really friends enough with them in the first place to need to know how their life is going.
Theodore Roosevelt once said "Comparison is the thief of joy." Boy, did you ever get that one right Teddy.
I mean, at this point in my life what is Facebook anyway? I'm 30 and tipping into the +30 range (I feel a physical quiver just typing that) and all anyone's posts are just wedding pictures, baby pictures, funny meme's, or bitch sessions about something that I'm not around to experience. When I joined in 2005 I was just out of college and it still felt relevant, like, "Hey do you want to meet up tomorrow night?" or, "Here's a picture of the family reunion in case you missed it!". It was the transition from instant messaging (God, how old am I?) to a broader base of people that you may have moved a few hours away from. You know, back when text messaging still cost you money per character.
Over the years I've moved to different states and now I'm entire plane rides away from people that I used to hang out and socialize with. I had been toying with getting rid of the addictive FB but I didn't want to risk saying goodbye to people I might not otherwise talk to.
I'm 100% that everyone else feels the same way because, like everyone else, you've probably kept your Facebook for the same reason. "But I want to see so-and-so's new baby!" and "That skank in college who my boyfriend cheated on me with got super fat!" Admit it, not outwardly of course, but admit it to yourself. That's the exact reason "Facebook stalker" has become a household name. I'm guilty as charged.
Did you wrong me back in 2000 and now you have 3 kids and live in a trailer? I found you on Facebook and smiled. Did you just meet your boyfriend yesterday, get married, and found out you were pregnant 15 minutes ago when I've been dealing with infertility? I found you and I will stare daggers at you now.
I've been a FB member since 2005 and I've never had one of those crazy, tell-all break downs that I so often hear about. The ones where you throw all your dirty laundry on the internet so that everyone knows but get pissed when someone judges you? Or passively-aggressively mention something that happened to you that only one person on your friends list knows because they are the one that did it to you and then the teeth and nails come out? Nope. Never happened.
Until 2 days ago.
Ok, in my defense, I'm medicated right now. I know. It's sad. But it's legit and I'm sticking to it. I called someone out-of-the-blue who I have never even spoken to over the phone EVER and the reaction was "Are you calling me to tell me your pregnant?!?!"
Ok. What-the-fuck-sauce.
The post that I later wrote wasn't aimed towards her, and I'm sure she knows that, but it was more of........errrrmmmm.....a notification that kids aren't happening so don't ask me so "I can avoid feeling like I've been hit in the chest by a train."
A wave of comments came. And I hardly ever get comments since most of my posts are meme-based. So I kiiiiiiiiiinda felt mortified. Also, I had been going through my browser history to find a specific website I had gone to that I needed to reuse again. TWO WEEKS worth of searching and all I saw were blue logos everywhere saying that I had been on Facebook this many times and I had searched 100 times the profiles of these people.
I sat at my computer, drugged up of course, confused and upset. So THIS is how I spend my time??? My precious, valuable time?! I could have been approved as an astronaut in flight hours with as many hours as I had spent on Facebook!
So I Google'd where to locate the deactivate button (since I never assumed that I would require that knowledge). And click it was gone.
In the few days since I left I haven't felt all that bad, really. I'm curious sometimes. Like someone who has a mild addiction to something stupid like a video game and you miss the memory of it. But overall, I've felt happier. I don't have baby pictures shoved in my face. I don't have bad tendencies to dig up old grudges and relish in their dismay or feel like crap if I find that they are more well-off than I am.
I'm ok with being a little more old-fashioned. If they've kept my number and really care about how I'm doing, they can feel free to give me a call. Send me picture messages. Meet up with me and let's go to the movies. Otherwise, I wasn't really friends enough with them in the first place to need to know how their life is going.
Friday, April 25, 2014
All About Love
I really need to take a moment to tell you about my husband, M. The man drives me crazy. I could just sigh and roll my eyes at some of the things he does, but I'm not going to do that.
I'm sure there's a list I could compile of the daily grievances that I feel when we talk or what he hasn't done. I could do that. Sometimes husband-bashing is the kind of sadly-veiled invite I get to an "all girls night," which really turns into drunken talk of what deficiencies our husband's have. And having this be my 2nd marriage before the age of 30, I've come to realize that doing that isn't exactly the best thing to do to your partner. Who wants to take the time wondering whether or not your spouse aired out your short-comings or not? I know my husband doesn't do it -- and I've got PLENTY of those.
So today, I'm going to praise my husband. On the internet. To strangers! I want to tell you how this man drives me crazy (in the way that made me know I wanted to marry him in the first place.)
He is a mystery. A total and complete mystery. His face is a stoic, stone statue to the point where you could feel completely uncomfortable. Our first date was essentially a blind date because he needed a date for an event and a mutual friend suggested me. We met to make sure we could last at least one evening together in each other's company before that time. The dinner was soooo uncomfortable that I talked incessantly to cover up the awkwardness {which is not something I typically do or care about}. I kept talking to open him up. It got to the point where I put my utensils down and stated "You know how well this date is going?" and when he looked at me I tilted my head sideways, stuck my tongue out and held my hand to the side like I was holding a noose. It was the first time I made my husband laugh uncontrollably. He knows I had meant it and that I was being serious, but that's what got him to crack. I don't know. I can't ever really tell with him what he's thinking and what is going on up there in that locked-down brain of his but as frustrating as that can be, and the issues that it sometimes creates, it draws me to him. Years later I still want to tinker in there and figure out what makes him tick. I love knowing that he laughs with me in a way that he doesn't with others. He's an enigma.
M is a family-man to the core. He had 3 kids with a TERRIBLE woman at a young age because he was so enthusiastic about having a family, being a father, and trying to make his (now ex) wife happy. Despite the possibilities of my infertility he still is holding on to the hope that he will get to have kids with me. He'd be willing to have 3 more kids if he had to. We have 2 dogs and every day we would go on what we called a "family walk," just to spend time together, the four of us. He loves love. He loves to have it, he loves to give it, it makes him endlessly happy. His heart is so big and open to his loved ones and he will give, give, give whenever his family needs it.
I've heard and read about unconditional love and I just figured that it was a word that the English language had to come up with to describe fictional characters behavior in books because it didn't exist in real life. Hell, I know my ex-husband didn't know that characteristic. For sure. But M, he does it and doesn't even know it. I can be down-right mean and hateful and he will pour love on me. It doesn't matter how bad things get, or how awful I become, he always refers back to how much he loves me, how great I am as a wife, that I'm perfect to him. And I hear this even when we aren't having a rift. He's a few hours ahead of me so every morning that I wake up I have a text that tells me good morning and that he hopes I have a wonderful day and that he misses my beautiful face. He loves me no matter what and it has never wavered.
He is strong. If I didn't have him as my rock I don't even know where I would be right now. I don't know how I would have gotten through the things I have in my life if I wasn't able to have him to help steady me.
He's the single, most incredible person I've ever met. And you know what? I'm not half-bad myself but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel completely lucky. There are whole days where I just know, deep in my heart, that he is so much better than me. And instead of feeling pressure from that, instead of feeling like I should just give up and that I'm not good enough, it makes me feel strong. Like I can aspire to be as a good of a person as he is. That he doesn't judge me because he still doesn't know how good he is to know that I can't measure up. His love, friendship, partnership, and mentoring is the best thing I could have been given in my life.
M is my ever-shining star.
I'm sure there's a list I could compile of the daily grievances that I feel when we talk or what he hasn't done. I could do that. Sometimes husband-bashing is the kind of sadly-veiled invite I get to an "all girls night," which really turns into drunken talk of what deficiencies our husband's have. And having this be my 2nd marriage before the age of 30, I've come to realize that doing that isn't exactly the best thing to do to your partner. Who wants to take the time wondering whether or not your spouse aired out your short-comings or not? I know my husband doesn't do it -- and I've got PLENTY of those.
So today, I'm going to praise my husband. On the internet. To strangers! I want to tell you how this man drives me crazy (in the way that made me know I wanted to marry him in the first place.)
He is a mystery. A total and complete mystery. His face is a stoic, stone statue to the point where you could feel completely uncomfortable. Our first date was essentially a blind date because he needed a date for an event and a mutual friend suggested me. We met to make sure we could last at least one evening together in each other's company before that time. The dinner was soooo uncomfortable that I talked incessantly to cover up the awkwardness {which is not something I typically do or care about}. I kept talking to open him up. It got to the point where I put my utensils down and stated "You know how well this date is going?" and when he looked at me I tilted my head sideways, stuck my tongue out and held my hand to the side like I was holding a noose. It was the first time I made my husband laugh uncontrollably. He knows I had meant it and that I was being serious, but that's what got him to crack. I don't know. I can't ever really tell with him what he's thinking and what is going on up there in that locked-down brain of his but as frustrating as that can be, and the issues that it sometimes creates, it draws me to him. Years later I still want to tinker in there and figure out what makes him tick. I love knowing that he laughs with me in a way that he doesn't with others. He's an enigma.
M is a family-man to the core. He had 3 kids with a TERRIBLE woman at a young age because he was so enthusiastic about having a family, being a father, and trying to make his (now ex) wife happy. Despite the possibilities of my infertility he still is holding on to the hope that he will get to have kids with me. He'd be willing to have 3 more kids if he had to. We have 2 dogs and every day we would go on what we called a "family walk," just to spend time together, the four of us. He loves love. He loves to have it, he loves to give it, it makes him endlessly happy. His heart is so big and open to his loved ones and he will give, give, give whenever his family needs it.
I've heard and read about unconditional love and I just figured that it was a word that the English language had to come up with to describe fictional characters behavior in books because it didn't exist in real life. Hell, I know my ex-husband didn't know that characteristic. For sure. But M, he does it and doesn't even know it. I can be down-right mean and hateful and he will pour love on me. It doesn't matter how bad things get, or how awful I become, he always refers back to how much he loves me, how great I am as a wife, that I'm perfect to him. And I hear this even when we aren't having a rift. He's a few hours ahead of me so every morning that I wake up I have a text that tells me good morning and that he hopes I have a wonderful day and that he misses my beautiful face. He loves me no matter what and it has never wavered.
He is strong. If I didn't have him as my rock I don't even know where I would be right now. I don't know how I would have gotten through the things I have in my life if I wasn't able to have him to help steady me.
He's the single, most incredible person I've ever met. And you know what? I'm not half-bad myself but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel completely lucky. There are whole days where I just know, deep in my heart, that he is so much better than me. And instead of feeling pressure from that, instead of feeling like I should just give up and that I'm not good enough, it makes me feel strong. Like I can aspire to be as a good of a person as he is. That he doesn't judge me because he still doesn't know how good he is to know that I can't measure up. His love, friendship, partnership, and mentoring is the best thing I could have been given in my life.
M is my ever-shining star.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Can I Be 20 Again? Pretty Please?
Confession: In college, when my roommate was most assuredly in class, I used to shut the blinds and dance. And not just dance, but clamor about the room like my limbs weren't attached to anything.
Back then we had cd's (and the biggest, blockiest initial prototypes of IPods-- but not alot of people had them yet) I would throw some cd's in the disc player and jam out in the quirkiest ways possible. I mean it. It could probably be seen as interpretive dance if anyone had ever caught of glimpse of it. It made me feel happy, free, and on days when I didn't feel like working out it helped calm my fear of being a lazy ass because I definitely broke out into a sweat.
I ran to the gym today but didn't get to stay long because everyone seems to have an internal messenger that tells them to give me bad news while I'm at the gym. I never get to stay long enough to do anything I want because I'm always called to go deal with some potential catastrophe. So I came home, dealt with it, then I went to YouTube. Pharrel's "Happy" song has been speaking to me lately so I played it and kind of jiggled about in my chair. All 80's-like with my shoulder moves.
Then I did it. Shut my blinds and went crazy in my room. Yup, it's juvenile. And, nope, I don't care. I heard joints cracking like a 30 year old will, but whatever. It felt pretty good not to give a damn for once.
Back then we had cd's (and the biggest, blockiest initial prototypes of IPods-- but not alot of people had them yet) I would throw some cd's in the disc player and jam out in the quirkiest ways possible. I mean it. It could probably be seen as interpretive dance if anyone had ever caught of glimpse of it. It made me feel happy, free, and on days when I didn't feel like working out it helped calm my fear of being a lazy ass because I definitely broke out into a sweat.
I ran to the gym today but didn't get to stay long because everyone seems to have an internal messenger that tells them to give me bad news while I'm at the gym. I never get to stay long enough to do anything I want because I'm always called to go deal with some potential catastrophe. So I came home, dealt with it, then I went to YouTube. Pharrel's "Happy" song has been speaking to me lately so I played it and kind of jiggled about in my chair. All 80's-like with my shoulder moves.
Then I did it. Shut my blinds and went crazy in my room. Yup, it's juvenile. And, nope, I don't care. I heard joints cracking like a 30 year old will, but whatever. It felt pretty good not to give a damn for once.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Back Track
So, obviously I'm hurting and I know that my last post reflects that. I'm struggling really hard at the moment and I haven't talked to M in weeks because he has been gone and was not allowed to have contact with anyone. Things are really painful at the moment so I'm going to back track and blurt it all out from the horrible beginning...
I have had a lot of jobs in my life. I like working, if I didn't work I would be horribly bored. I've bounced around jobs to find things I like and I'm sure I will continue to do that for the rest of my life because I hate the idea of settling for things. With that said there is one job that I always know I did want: I wanted to be a Mom.
I have been away from my husband for 1 year and 4 months, but the time we are hopefully placed together it will be 2 and a half years. Even once we are placed together there will be periods of time when we won't be together again. I'm 30 years old and I have waited through 2 marriages to have children. Needless to say, I'm ready.
A little over a month ago I went to my doctor. For reasons that are private I have feared that I may not be able to have kids. It was a distant thought and I was really hoping there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. After talking with my doctor about my concerns he told me that there was nothing he could do for me. He said that with my age, and my medical history that conceiving would be very difficult. He said that because testing for fertility was a specialized field that is very expensive and intrusive that in order for me to get recommended to see what could be done for me, I would need to actively be trying and unsuccessful for 6 months before anyone will help me.
I told him that my husband and I are not together so that trying that long would be impossible and his only real response was "Sorry."
Feeling devastated I left the doctor's office. My husband couldn't even be here to comfort me. A week later I got to see him and spend Christmas with him....and his 3 kids. It was terrible. For once, my husband doesn't understand what I'm going through. Sure, he said he was upset but the feeling of not being able to have kids is not relevant to him. He already has 3.
I tried talking with friends about this too and came up short-handed. My friends are either not wanting or not ready to have kids, or already have them and had no problem in getting pregnant. One friend, who was trying to be helpful, said "You can always adopt." I don't feel any relief in this. None. I wanted the experience of creating a life with the person that I love. We had talked about adopting after having our own, but you can't just replace that experience altogether.
I feel so alone. My husband can't empathize because he doesn't have to go through the pain. He already has 3 who call him "Daddy." He got to see what it was like to create another life with the person that he loved at the time and got to meet the people that they would become. The characteristics of the two of them intertwined into a unique individual. What if I don't get to meet that person? At this point I fee like I have no one. No one to understand, no one to give me advice, no one to help me push through the pain. M is my best friend in the world, but it's clear that even he doesn't know how this feels.
The fact that he doesn't have to know what this feeling is makes me bitter. So on top of the pain, I have bitterness and jealousy. I'm 3 for 3 now. I'm the trifecta of unhappiness: pain, bitterness and jealousy.
M's ex-wife treated him terribly and she is ungrateful for getting to have the experience of having children with him. And now, it seems, I'm incapable of doing that. The one person I ever even entertained the idea of having kids with.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. On New Years we went out for our anniversary. The whole dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse was great...up until the last 5 minutes. We were at a table with strangers and one woman about my age made a comment about not drinking and another woman asked why, to which the first woman responded that she was pregnant with their first child. Naturally every couple joined in. It seems they all have had children, even my husband. Everyone except me. I lost it. We went home and were supposed to go to a party. I couldn't. The rest of the evening was me in pajamas balling my eyes out in between sips of alcohol. I went to bed sobbing.
I have these moments where I'm completely fine. Everything is fine. I can totally do this. I can definitely make it. And then BAM. My Facebook blows up with baby pictures. Someone new just announced that they are expecting. Some just popped out a baby. I show up to hang out with friends at a party and girls 7 years younger then me have large bellies and are giddy. I did everything right. I waited to find my real partner and not just settle for having kids with my last husband. I waited to have money and a steady job. I waited to be older and have life experiences. I thought I was so right. My pain is in finding out that I was so wrong and that as much as I tried to prepare, it didn't matter anyway.
I have had a lot of jobs in my life. I like working, if I didn't work I would be horribly bored. I've bounced around jobs to find things I like and I'm sure I will continue to do that for the rest of my life because I hate the idea of settling for things. With that said there is one job that I always know I did want: I wanted to be a Mom.
I have been away from my husband for 1 year and 4 months, but the time we are hopefully placed together it will be 2 and a half years. Even once we are placed together there will be periods of time when we won't be together again. I'm 30 years old and I have waited through 2 marriages to have children. Needless to say, I'm ready.
A little over a month ago I went to my doctor. For reasons that are private I have feared that I may not be able to have kids. It was a distant thought and I was really hoping there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. After talking with my doctor about my concerns he told me that there was nothing he could do for me. He said that with my age, and my medical history that conceiving would be very difficult. He said that because testing for fertility was a specialized field that is very expensive and intrusive that in order for me to get recommended to see what could be done for me, I would need to actively be trying and unsuccessful for 6 months before anyone will help me.
I told him that my husband and I are not together so that trying that long would be impossible and his only real response was "Sorry."
Feeling devastated I left the doctor's office. My husband couldn't even be here to comfort me. A week later I got to see him and spend Christmas with him....and his 3 kids. It was terrible. For once, my husband doesn't understand what I'm going through. Sure, he said he was upset but the feeling of not being able to have kids is not relevant to him. He already has 3.
I tried talking with friends about this too and came up short-handed. My friends are either not wanting or not ready to have kids, or already have them and had no problem in getting pregnant. One friend, who was trying to be helpful, said "You can always adopt." I don't feel any relief in this. None. I wanted the experience of creating a life with the person that I love. We had talked about adopting after having our own, but you can't just replace that experience altogether.
I feel so alone. My husband can't empathize because he doesn't have to go through the pain. He already has 3 who call him "Daddy." He got to see what it was like to create another life with the person that he loved at the time and got to meet the people that they would become. The characteristics of the two of them intertwined into a unique individual. What if I don't get to meet that person? At this point I fee like I have no one. No one to understand, no one to give me advice, no one to help me push through the pain. M is my best friend in the world, but it's clear that even he doesn't know how this feels.
The fact that he doesn't have to know what this feeling is makes me bitter. So on top of the pain, I have bitterness and jealousy. I'm 3 for 3 now. I'm the trifecta of unhappiness: pain, bitterness and jealousy.
M's ex-wife treated him terribly and she is ungrateful for getting to have the experience of having children with him. And now, it seems, I'm incapable of doing that. The one person I ever even entertained the idea of having kids with.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. On New Years we went out for our anniversary. The whole dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse was great...up until the last 5 minutes. We were at a table with strangers and one woman about my age made a comment about not drinking and another woman asked why, to which the first woman responded that she was pregnant with their first child. Naturally every couple joined in. It seems they all have had children, even my husband. Everyone except me. I lost it. We went home and were supposed to go to a party. I couldn't. The rest of the evening was me in pajamas balling my eyes out in between sips of alcohol. I went to bed sobbing.
I have these moments where I'm completely fine. Everything is fine. I can totally do this. I can definitely make it. And then BAM. My Facebook blows up with baby pictures. Someone new just announced that they are expecting. Some just popped out a baby. I show up to hang out with friends at a party and girls 7 years younger then me have large bellies and are giddy. I did everything right. I waited to find my real partner and not just settle for having kids with my last husband. I waited to have money and a steady job. I waited to be older and have life experiences. I thought I was so right. My pain is in finding out that I was so wrong and that as much as I tried to prepare, it didn't matter anyway.
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